I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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