that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
