Your dad touched me again.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
