home. puking in laundry basket.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
