I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
