i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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