Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
