Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
