can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
