2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
