be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
