I'm so fucking centered right now
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
