A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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