I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
