Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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