am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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