i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
