Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
