I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
