i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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