I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
