im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
