if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
