he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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