My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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