i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
