I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
