i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
