WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
