there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
