Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
