I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
