I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
its liver damage thursday
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
