If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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