between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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