god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
