my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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