Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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