i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
True but thats because hes a fetus.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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