Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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