im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
