***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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