i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
