you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
