totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
