it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
