I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
