i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
meet me or not, i'm out of control
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
