My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
