yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
